I'm A Guilty Victim

I’m guilty of changing for the wrong reasons.

I keep contemplating my last post over and over because it’s a matter that is so heavy on my heart right now. Not just because I feel it’s a good principle of life for all of us to ponder, but also because I’m a bit broken right now – being on the more difficult end of change that someone else has chosen to make.

Over the years I’ve, inadvertently at times and completely aware at other times, given my energy, focus, and heart to the wrong things and the wrong people. Of course, with the principles of truth that are in a previous blog you can probably guess just how empty, unfulfilled, void, hurt, and broken that has left me today.

I certainly have a history of giving my heart, body, and mind to totally immoral things. However, I also have a history of giving myself to things that aren’t or weren’t immoral – things that are decent, fine, and good. Such as friends, family, exercise, work, and the list could go on. However, I’m learning that even those things – those “healthy” things – can also become unhealthy addictions and destructive distractions, all designed to keep my attention, my energy, and my focus on things that don’t matter, or…at least keep my attention on things that do matter but to an unhealthy degree, thus accomplishing the same thing; lack of focus and discipline in most important areas.

A really good friend of mine has recently made decisions about some “distractions” as he called them, in his life. I’ve heard him refer to specific “distractions” that he’s been fully able to identify that he needs to cut out from his life. In fact, he’s felt it so strongly, and has been broken on the inside to the point of searching for answers in the spiritual realm and he’s even received a “word” from God or the Holy Spirit regarding these “distractions” that he so easily and constantly lets run his life. Yet, to this day he seems to be simply talking the talk – not walking it; talking about the need to starve something, but continuing to feed it. Of course, he’s totally free to make his own decisions and choose his own journey. However, it’s hurtful, at least for me, when my friendship with him is a “distraction” that he needs to cut out – and my friendship seems to be the only one that needed to be cut out. There doesn’t seem to be much intentional discipline regarding his personal growth, for his own development, for accountability, for a healthy challenging of his journey, or for good friends – instead there is an incredibly aggressive pursuit toward new friends, new activities, new habits, new addictions, new poor decisions and new distractions that I can’t help but feel a bit broken over myself. Perhaps I simply invested too much of myself. People are free to live however they choose.

This is why I am choosing the words “guilty victim.” I’m guilty of giving too much of my heart – too much of my energy, my focus, and my attention – to such a thing, or person, that for whatever reason I held at a higher value than the God that created me. Somewhere over the years, I leaned more on my friend than my Father. Had I kept my own heart, focus, energy, and priorities in check, perhaps my heart wouldn’t feel as broken as it does today, watching my friend dig himself another rut – just in new soil. I'm also guilty of doing the same thing to others in my life. Feeling what I feel today, imagining that loved ones of my past felt the same, if not more strongly, I feel regret, and a conviction to be careful to not allow this pain to consume others on my behalf.

My heart would definitely still be heavy for my friend, because I want the best for the people closest to my heart, the people I love (I also want to feel of value to them, of course). It’s only broken at the moment because I’ve allowed too much of myself to be invested, so much so that I take things personal. And ultimately, in this journey of life, we can only take a personal offense to the things we choose to give priority in our life.

Being victim of the pain now, I feel it’s a good time for me to begin to make choices that will keep me and other friendships in check.
It’s time for me to redefine my priorities.
To decide what matters most to me and FOCUS on that.
And, to pursue with reckless abandon, the right changes in my life for the right reasons – not simply to find new reasons that will fuel useless and dangerous “distractions.” It’s pointless for me to trade smoking for drinking – although different dangers, they both come fully loaded with damage-causing elements!

Change is always good, somewhere along the way. But, if you’re going to make changes that will affect the people that care about you, by all means, make your changes for right and healthy reasons. And always walk the walk, or simply quit talking and sit down until you're ready to walk.