I just spent one of the most amazing days of my life in and around the Davis area of California today – participating in Ride Ataxia Nor-Cal, 2011.
It was amazing because of the people I spent the day with. I realized a little more today just how important, irreplaceable, and how incredibly inspirational people are. I was reminded of how vital relationships are to the journey of life as well! How, at times, they are the life-blood that keeps us going when we don’t want to go anymore. We have all been created for relationship – authentic, transparent, real, fun, and light-hearted, but bone-deep relationships!
Today, I spent time with a couple hundred members of my FAmily! (The F and the A are both capitalized on purpose – identifying the Friedreichs Ataxia community and those a part of that huge extended family). Some I met for the first time, and some I’ve known for a few years – all important, encouraging, and inspirational to me. All loved ones to one degree or another.
There are three distinctively different “roles” everyone plays in this FAmily; 1) An FA patient, 2) Those Related to an FA patient, and 3) Committed Friends of an FA patient. Each member is extremely important!
I love meeting other FA patients! Of course, it’s heart breaking to meet another individual whose quality of life and the extent of life itself has been jeopardized and threatened. However, it’s equally encouraging and inspiring to see these fellow patients push on, thrive, and tackle their life with incredible tenacity and vigor. It’s these determined individuals that constantly inspire me to live my life at full tilt! Its people like Sam Bridgman that make me smile and laugh, no matter what the weather, terrain, grade, or road condition may be. He’s the guy I can think about, talk to, or even just look at and my entire outlook suddenly becomes one of feeling “happy.” Not necessarily because I am happy, but because that’s his persona no matter what drama, turmoil, pain, or unfortunate ‘thing’ is going on in his life! His smile and laugh are insanely contagious. Its other patients like Ashly Hartigan that despite the required use of a wheelchair and assistance when that isn’t around, decides to push herself on the elliptical for more than a mile! Of course, it’s also people like Kyle Bryant that defies all odds, and looks ridiculous challenges in the face and says, “Yeah, I can do that, I will do that, and I’m going to bring a lot of people along for the ride!”
I also love meeting and being around those related to FA patients – especially the parents! My Mom is an incredible support for me! She’s seen and lived through ugly and life-ending battles with torturous diseases, and she never quits! She doesn’t show doubt, discouragement, fear, or the slightest hint of “I’m not so sure you should try that.” Instead, she pushes, just like all the other FA Moms to fight with every ounce and fiber of my being, to take care of myself, and to never look back (not just because it’s dangerous for me to look to the rear when I’m cycling, but also because we can’t change the past)! The Moms and the Dads, the brothers and sisters, the grandparents, the aunts and uncles – its these people that will agree to volunteer, to work, to ride, to climb, to carry, to lead, to serve, to take pictures, and to encourage and hug at every event, every struggle, every challenge, every time – no questions asked!
Another important role is the one that our valued friends hold. These are the people that choose to believe in us for reasons we may never know! We are high maintenance, we always need help, we are always tired, and we are picky about what works and what doesn’t. Despite all that, they play along! They strap on their helmets, click in their cleats, and they pedal alongside us. They make us laugh, they keep our mind off the challenge, and they put us back on course when something causes us to fall. They remind us of our embarrassing moments and they laugh at us all the while – keeping our spirits high and positive, reminding us that we are the ones that inspire others to take action and join or cause movements. They give up time with their families, sacrifice Saturday mornings, spend the money to travel to our events, and take time off of work to go along! Its people like Brian Wagner and Jeremy Patin that join the cause because they believe in it! People like John Lockwood that create a force on our behalf (he also helps us get back on the bike and moving again when we are stopped in the middle of a climb!). People like Mike Gore that will go any distance, Blake Andrews that shows up at everything and creates amazing photographic tokens, Curtis Smith and Brandon Kauffman who believe in us, our efforts, and our friendships!
This FAmily fuels so much more than they will ever know. They push all of us to win this fight for our lives! They are our inspiration, no doubt about it!
I love this FAmily, and I am honored to be a part of it!
Cheers to every single individual that plays a part, any part, in it!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I'm A Guilty Victim
I’m guilty of changing for the wrong reasons.
I keep contemplating my last post over and over because it’s a matter that is so heavy on my heart right now. Not just because I feel it’s a good principle of life for all of us to ponder, but also because I’m a bit broken right now – being on the more difficult end of change that someone else has chosen to make.
Over the years I’ve, inadvertently at times and completely aware at other times, given my energy, focus, and heart to the wrong things and the wrong people. Of course, with the principles of truth that are in a previous blog you can probably guess just how empty, unfulfilled, void, hurt, and broken that has left me today.
I certainly have a history of giving my heart, body, and mind to totally immoral things. However, I also have a history of giving myself to things that aren’t or weren’t immoral – things that are decent, fine, and good. Such as friends, family, exercise, work, and the list could go on. However, I’m learning that even those things – those “healthy” things – can also become unhealthy addictions and destructive distractions, all designed to keep my attention, my energy, and my focus on things that don’t matter, or…at least keep my attention on things that do matter but to an unhealthy degree, thus accomplishing the same thing; lack of focus and discipline in most important areas.
A really good friend of mine has recently made decisions about some “distractions” as he called them, in his life. I’ve heard him refer to specific “distractions” that he’s been fully able to identify that he needs to cut out from his life. In fact, he’s felt it so strongly, and has been broken on the inside to the point of searching for answers in the spiritual realm and he’s even received a “word” from God or the Holy Spirit regarding these “distractions” that he so easily and constantly lets run his life. Yet, to this day he seems to be simply talking the talk – not walking it; talking about the need to starve something, but continuing to feed it. Of course, he’s totally free to make his own decisions and choose his own journey. However, it’s hurtful, at least for me, when my friendship with him is a “distraction” that he needs to cut out – and my friendship seems to be the only one that needed to be cut out. There doesn’t seem to be much intentional discipline regarding his personal growth, for his own development, for accountability, for a healthy challenging of his journey, or for good friends – instead there is an incredibly aggressive pursuit toward new friends, new activities, new habits, new addictions, new poor decisions and new distractions that I can’t help but feel a bit broken over myself. Perhaps I simply invested too much of myself. People are free to live however they choose.
This is why I am choosing the words “guilty victim.” I’m guilty of giving too much of my heart – too much of my energy, my focus, and my attention – to such a thing, or person, that for whatever reason I held at a higher value than the God that created me. Somewhere over the years, I leaned more on my friend than my Father. Had I kept my own heart, focus, energy, and priorities in check, perhaps my heart wouldn’t feel as broken as it does today, watching my friend dig himself another rut – just in new soil. I'm also guilty of doing the same thing to others in my life. Feeling what I feel today, imagining that loved ones of my past felt the same, if not more strongly, I feel regret, and a conviction to be careful to not allow this pain to consume others on my behalf.
My heart would definitely still be heavy for my friend, because I want the best for the people closest to my heart, the people I love (I also want to feel of value to them, of course). It’s only broken at the moment because I’ve allowed too much of myself to be invested, so much so that I take things personal. And ultimately, in this journey of life, we can only take a personal offense to the things we choose to give priority in our life.
Being victim of the pain now, I feel it’s a good time for me to begin to make choices that will keep me and other friendships in check.
It’s time for me to redefine my priorities.
To decide what matters most to me and FOCUS on that.
And, to pursue with reckless abandon, the right changes in my life for the right reasons – not simply to find new reasons that will fuel useless and dangerous “distractions.” It’s pointless for me to trade smoking for drinking – although different dangers, they both come fully loaded with damage-causing elements!
Change is always good, somewhere along the way. But, if you’re going to make changes that will affect the people that care about you, by all means, make your changes for right and healthy reasons. And always walk the walk, or simply quit talking and sit down until you're ready to walk.
I keep contemplating my last post over and over because it’s a matter that is so heavy on my heart right now. Not just because I feel it’s a good principle of life for all of us to ponder, but also because I’m a bit broken right now – being on the more difficult end of change that someone else has chosen to make.
Over the years I’ve, inadvertently at times and completely aware at other times, given my energy, focus, and heart to the wrong things and the wrong people. Of course, with the principles of truth that are in a previous blog you can probably guess just how empty, unfulfilled, void, hurt, and broken that has left me today.
I certainly have a history of giving my heart, body, and mind to totally immoral things. However, I also have a history of giving myself to things that aren’t or weren’t immoral – things that are decent, fine, and good. Such as friends, family, exercise, work, and the list could go on. However, I’m learning that even those things – those “healthy” things – can also become unhealthy addictions and destructive distractions, all designed to keep my attention, my energy, and my focus on things that don’t matter, or…at least keep my attention on things that do matter but to an unhealthy degree, thus accomplishing the same thing; lack of focus and discipline in most important areas.
A really good friend of mine has recently made decisions about some “distractions” as he called them, in his life. I’ve heard him refer to specific “distractions” that he’s been fully able to identify that he needs to cut out from his life. In fact, he’s felt it so strongly, and has been broken on the inside to the point of searching for answers in the spiritual realm and he’s even received a “word” from God or the Holy Spirit regarding these “distractions” that he so easily and constantly lets run his life. Yet, to this day he seems to be simply talking the talk – not walking it; talking about the need to starve something, but continuing to feed it. Of course, he’s totally free to make his own decisions and choose his own journey. However, it’s hurtful, at least for me, when my friendship with him is a “distraction” that he needs to cut out – and my friendship seems to be the only one that needed to be cut out. There doesn’t seem to be much intentional discipline regarding his personal growth, for his own development, for accountability, for a healthy challenging of his journey, or for good friends – instead there is an incredibly aggressive pursuit toward new friends, new activities, new habits, new addictions, new poor decisions and new distractions that I can’t help but feel a bit broken over myself. Perhaps I simply invested too much of myself. People are free to live however they choose.
This is why I am choosing the words “guilty victim.” I’m guilty of giving too much of my heart – too much of my energy, my focus, and my attention – to such a thing, or person, that for whatever reason I held at a higher value than the God that created me. Somewhere over the years, I leaned more on my friend than my Father. Had I kept my own heart, focus, energy, and priorities in check, perhaps my heart wouldn’t feel as broken as it does today, watching my friend dig himself another rut – just in new soil. I'm also guilty of doing the same thing to others in my life. Feeling what I feel today, imagining that loved ones of my past felt the same, if not more strongly, I feel regret, and a conviction to be careful to not allow this pain to consume others on my behalf.
My heart would definitely still be heavy for my friend, because I want the best for the people closest to my heart, the people I love (I also want to feel of value to them, of course). It’s only broken at the moment because I’ve allowed too much of myself to be invested, so much so that I take things personal. And ultimately, in this journey of life, we can only take a personal offense to the things we choose to give priority in our life.
Being victim of the pain now, I feel it’s a good time for me to begin to make choices that will keep me and other friendships in check.
It’s time for me to redefine my priorities.
To decide what matters most to me and FOCUS on that.
And, to pursue with reckless abandon, the right changes in my life for the right reasons – not simply to find new reasons that will fuel useless and dangerous “distractions.” It’s pointless for me to trade smoking for drinking – although different dangers, they both come fully loaded with damage-causing elements!
Change is always good, somewhere along the way. But, if you’re going to make changes that will affect the people that care about you, by all means, make your changes for right and healthy reasons. And always walk the walk, or simply quit talking and sit down until you're ready to walk.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Why Change?
Cutting out the bad habits isn’t enough. We’ve all been there, done that, tried and failed. Some cut out alcohol but find a new unhealthy addiction to diet coke, or we give up late night television for aimless reading of the tabloid headlines. Or, perhaps things we may feel better about – such as choosing not to go out with friends 3-4 nights a week because we need to “focus” and exercise certain disciplines. However, we cut out our regular outings just to sit at home in front of the T.V. or wandering aimlessly on the computer. Sure, we aren’t ‘distracted’ by friends or our old need of always having to be with or around people, but we are no more focused then we were.
In fact, we are fooled. We believe in a lie that we don’t even realize exists. We feel good about our decision and discipline to not go out, to share life at a lesser degree with certain people, or to learn to spend regular time all alone. Unfortunately, the only thing that has changed is the habit – the packaging, the symptom, the technique we use to just “numb-out” to reality. The root of the original “need” to realign our attention or our focus hasn’t been addressed, much less satisfied. Instead, we’ve just simply replaced our habit, our pattern, our routines, and even our focus. Yes, even our focus. Sadly, that focus is just as lost, aimlessly pointed, and as random as it was before – never really locking its eyes on the prize, never pointing its laser beams at anything of value, never pursuing the things that God tugs at our hearts to pursue – just a more random, pointless, life-draining different focus than before.
In every human being there exists this void that was designed to be filled by God and God alone. We’ve all experienced the feeling of this void, and we’ve all tried to fill that void in error. In the “Ultimate Journey,” this void is referred to as a vacuum – a pull in our hearts and our souls that is only satisfied when God himself is the one we lean on for just that.
It really isn’t a matter of the habit, or the practice, or the routine…it’s a matter of the heart. Are you changing or cutting out this or that to make room for an intentional pursuit of God, or are you ultimately, sometimes without realizing it, just making room for a new habit, a new pattern, a new routine, that down the road, will leave you just as empty and broken as the past?
Be intentional about your focus, and don’t fall prey to the losing pursuits of simply cutting out one bad habit to form another. Bad is bad, no matter what the degree of “bad” it is. There is still no lasting, legitimate fulfillment if you aren’t executing the disciplines necessary to FIRST fill the God-shaped void in your life and your heart.
If you are changing your habits for any other reason than to pursue God and the amazing, wild plans He has for you, than you will unfortunately just be disappointed, broken, and lost again and again. And…what’s worse, is the people around you, the people you share life with, the people that LOVE YOU will also be on the hurting, losing, broken end if you aren’t intentional about your foresight and your disciplines, and that’s just selfish.
In fact, we are fooled. We believe in a lie that we don’t even realize exists. We feel good about our decision and discipline to not go out, to share life at a lesser degree with certain people, or to learn to spend regular time all alone. Unfortunately, the only thing that has changed is the habit – the packaging, the symptom, the technique we use to just “numb-out” to reality. The root of the original “need” to realign our attention or our focus hasn’t been addressed, much less satisfied. Instead, we’ve just simply replaced our habit, our pattern, our routines, and even our focus. Yes, even our focus. Sadly, that focus is just as lost, aimlessly pointed, and as random as it was before – never really locking its eyes on the prize, never pointing its laser beams at anything of value, never pursuing the things that God tugs at our hearts to pursue – just a more random, pointless, life-draining different focus than before.
In every human being there exists this void that was designed to be filled by God and God alone. We’ve all experienced the feeling of this void, and we’ve all tried to fill that void in error. In the “Ultimate Journey,” this void is referred to as a vacuum – a pull in our hearts and our souls that is only satisfied when God himself is the one we lean on for just that.
It really isn’t a matter of the habit, or the practice, or the routine…it’s a matter of the heart. Are you changing or cutting out this or that to make room for an intentional pursuit of God, or are you ultimately, sometimes without realizing it, just making room for a new habit, a new pattern, a new routine, that down the road, will leave you just as empty and broken as the past?
Be intentional about your focus, and don’t fall prey to the losing pursuits of simply cutting out one bad habit to form another. Bad is bad, no matter what the degree of “bad” it is. There is still no lasting, legitimate fulfillment if you aren’t executing the disciplines necessary to FIRST fill the God-shaped void in your life and your heart.
If you are changing your habits for any other reason than to pursue God and the amazing, wild plans He has for you, than you will unfortunately just be disappointed, broken, and lost again and again. And…what’s worse, is the people around you, the people you share life with, the people that LOVE YOU will also be on the hurting, losing, broken end if you aren’t intentional about your foresight and your disciplines, and that’s just selfish.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Someone is missing
Today (May 21) I celebrated my 29th birthday.
This year and last have been dramatically different than the 27 years prior.
Last year was simple - I worked that morning, met a friend for dinner, went to an improv class, enjoyed lunch with my parents the next day, and then camping at a local lake that night with a few friends.
This year - slept in as long as I could! Celebrated the night before with my friends in the Improv Troupe after our show. Then, met my Mom and brother for a late lunch the day of, and worked all night.
I'm okay with simple. Just doing something with family and the people that matter most. I don't need a big schindig, just want to spend time with those I love.
This year was the first year I had to celebrate my birth without one of the persons that brought me into this world. My Dad was set free and taken Home in March, just two months ago. I miss him terribly, and today wasn't the same without him. I have to lean on memories of birthdays past now when I want to share the big days with him each year. And thats ok I suppose...I can lean heavily on the voice in my head of him saying "happy birthday sean-a-roo," and repeated statements of "I love you" and "I'm proud of you."
I am forever grateful that I had Dad in my life for almost 29 years, and I'm forever grateful that he loved me and supported me as often and as loud as he did!
Here's to you Dad...
This year and last have been dramatically different than the 27 years prior.
Last year was simple - I worked that morning, met a friend for dinner, went to an improv class, enjoyed lunch with my parents the next day, and then camping at a local lake that night with a few friends.
This year - slept in as long as I could! Celebrated the night before with my friends in the Improv Troupe after our show. Then, met my Mom and brother for a late lunch the day of, and worked all night.
I'm okay with simple. Just doing something with family and the people that matter most. I don't need a big schindig, just want to spend time with those I love.
This year was the first year I had to celebrate my birth without one of the persons that brought me into this world. My Dad was set free and taken Home in March, just two months ago. I miss him terribly, and today wasn't the same without him. I have to lean on memories of birthdays past now when I want to share the big days with him each year. And thats ok I suppose...I can lean heavily on the voice in my head of him saying "happy birthday sean-a-roo," and repeated statements of "I love you" and "I'm proud of you."
I am forever grateful that I had Dad in my life for almost 29 years, and I'm forever grateful that he loved me and supported me as often and as loud as he did!
Here's to you Dad...
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